I'm a former special agent. I don't remember which kind, but I used to be one for sure (do special agents even retire, and if I retired, how old am I?). Regardless, I should not be asking for trouble, but as usual, I do.
Recently rumours of a serial killer nicknamed the "Uber Slayer" are going around, a guy who drives for Uber and supposedly takes his passenger(s) to an isolated area and proceeds to kill them. One version of the rumour suggests that the guy has seven accomplices, and all of them take out their handguns and then count down from seven to shoot the victim (seems legit), while another version says the guy sets up a sniper rifle and then points it to the person's head at close range and then pulls the trigger (also seems legit). The thing I don't get is how these people get this information (how would they live to tell), and also how these descriptions are so detailed, which probably means none of this is true, or is it?
But I, being the curious kind, am trying to dig a little deeper and set up an encounter with this serial killer by repeatedly booking rides on Uber. Reddit and 4chan suggest that the guy only shows up if I book the more expensive tiers on Uber (RIP my wallet). After a few days of aimlessly Ubering over and over again, my bank account is almost empty. When I'm on the verge of giving up, a certain Uber driver cancels on me immediately after I press the button. The driver seems really suspicious since he has a perfect 5 rating on Uber (probably he's the serial killer, and he had his seven bois repeatedly rate him 5). He might have cancelled since he might have recognized me as a special agent and how much of a threat I possess to him.
As I'm sitting in my apartment planning my next move, something dramatic unfolds: I have a feeling someone is watching me (I don't even know how anyone could know that, but, anyway). I turn to look at the window, and I see someone from the building across the street immediately closing the curtain; he knows he has been spotted. I have this weird feeling that he is going to climb up all the way to the terrace, zipline across to my building, and come to kill me. I take the sane approach: take the elevator to the ground floor, cross the street, and go to that guy's room.
Since I used to be a special agent, there is no lock I can't pick, no security guard I cannot knock out, no security camera I can't bypass. In no time, I find myself in front of the guy's apartment. I use a little bit of my head and don't just straight up barge in. Instead, I make use of this device that lets me look into his house through the peephole. I see nobody, so I enter, and I see many guns and takeout boxes strewn all over the place (I had no idea he's a student, probably studying in the US since guns), no sign of a sniper rifle though. So, I use my special agent deduction skills to deduce that he took his sniper rifle, ziplined over to my building, and is probably waiting for me to come back so he can shoot me with it, at close range of course. You see, I'm two steps ahead of him.
I decide to pretend that I had gone to the store, so I actually go to the store to buy something, when I realize I'm broke. But it's okay, I'll just use my special agent skills for shoplifting. When I get back, and I feel that something about the outer wall of my neighbour's apartment is not quite right. I put on my infrared heat vision mode glasses to see through the wall (why didn't I use this instead of the peephole thing earlier if I had it with me all along?) and I see what looks like a guy pointing a sniper rifle at the wall in my direction. So, I do the obvious right thing, knock on my neighbour's door while I'm unarmed and my hands are filled with bags of stolen stuff.
I realize how stupid an idea this is, and that I'm probably going to get myself killed. But then I realize, if he shoots me, the loud noise will be heard by everyone in the building, and there is no easy escape, so he wants to avoid shooting me if possible. Hence, I confidently barge into the house and see the guy pointing his sniper rifle (was it the one from CS:GO?) at me. I drop the bags and put my hands in the air. The wall had been modified to be transparent from the inside but opaque from the outside (I was right about something being off), so he could see me the entire time, including me putting on my heat vision glasses. He has my neighbour gagged up and demands that I must cooperate, or else he would kill both of us. He walks over and picks up this strange-looking gun that has a camera on it, and he points to a screen on which I could see him live-stream the video to Twitch. He announces to the audience, "I am the one known as the "Uber Slayer"! And this is the first time I'll be live-streaming the death of a victim!", and points the gun at my neighbour's head. I have my back against the wall, with a hostage making matters worse (two, if I count myself).
All of a sudden, we hear some commotion outside: it is seven people approaching the door, as seen through the transparent wall. The Uber Slayer guy, visibly displeased, sighs, "I told them I wanted some me-time today, why do they never listen?", and as he's distracted, I take his gun and point it at him. The Twitch chat, previously silent, starts going crazy since everyone can now see his face (why hasn't he covered his face up with something?). He is speechless, and as his goons enter the apartment, we hear police sirens (did someone on Twitch figure out the address somehow?). But soon he realizes the real reason: they must have tailed his one of his men who carelessly left behind a trail (or perhaps intentionally, and is the guy feeding information to all the rumours, a double-agent), and he starts yelling at them for not paying attention, but it's already game over.
I realize how pointless my involvement actually was, as the police had already figured everything out (except my shoplifting incident earlier of course, shhh). Also, press F to pay respects to my savings.